The Journal of Ruby Morris

I am going to take a break from beating my head against the wall to write this. Maybe I'll spare myself some of the brain damage. (If I can actually be more messed up in the head at this point.)

Lately I keep seeing... or think I've been seeing... these men everywhere I go. This has been going on for a while. I'm pretty sure it's all in my head (I've been known to have problems like this) but it's starting to affect my life. I am definitely visiting the doctor about it to see if I can get some pills or something to fix it.

Today I was working at the studio, with my boyfriend/boss John. Normal day. A couple brought their kids in for some photos (the "sentimental" deal, which does family portraits and things of that nature.) I love working with children; it's probably the best part of this job... The parents, however, are a different story, especially when they're rich and snotty like these ones were.

Part of my job description is to help people pick out what photo package they want. (This basically means what sizes/how many copies of the photos you want to buy.) Usually this is a fairly easy task, but I've never been an amazing "people person" so it's probably not my best area unfortunately.

Anyway, this couple was taking a really long time to decide what they wanted- and I should have been doing the whole marketing spiel I was taught to give everyone, so that (and I won't sugar-coat this) they feel more inclined to give us more money than they might otherwise. But out of the corner of my eye I saw this dark van outside the window. I looked over, and there were two men sitting in it watching me. A wave of... not exactly fear, but... anxiety, I guess, just washed over me. I couldn't move. I must have been like that for some time, because when I snapped out of it, John was there telling the rather upset father to calm down. Apparently they were trying to tell me what they wanted for longer than they were willing to stand around waiting for.

I looked back outside, and nothing was even there- no men, no van, nothing unusual. It had seemed so real, but it was just some kind of hallucination I guess.

Needless to say, John sort of got on my case about it. And he wasn't very happy when I wouldn't tell him what was wrong. Not that I know what's wrong.

I mean jesus, it's not like I'm about to start spouting off that utter nonsense that I thought happened to me a long time ago, and that now I'm hallucinating about men following me around. I refuse to be the crazy lady again babbling about aliens and conspiracies. Especially when I don't even believe in that ridiculous crap anymore.

I will have a normal life. I just have to try harder.

And I've scheduled a doctors' appointment for the day after tomorrow. I am sure all this can be cleared up in no time.



On a slightly different note, a familiar newspaper showed up at my house today and I have no idea where it came from. I didn't order one... I was off their mailing list ages ago! And I doubt Langly sent it to me. I feel like I'm being toyed with here. I don't like it.

I was browsing the internet innocently enough when I randomly happened to stumble upon this thing. My, how time flies.

Reading back, I can't help but cringe thinking about what a whiny, spazzy, childish little... brat, I really was. That kind of thing is okay when you're 13, not 30! Oh dear. Well maybe I can give myself some comfort in knowing that, perhaps, I've matured a little at least since my last entries here.

(And dear God, what was I thinking with this fluorescent pink layout? I think my eyes are starting to bleed just thinking about it.)

Actually, quite a lot has happened to me in the almost ... two years (my god, that's a frightening prospect) I've spent away from Live Journal. I'm still living in Sioux City, and I work as an assistant to a professional photographer in town. Much better work than Staples was, that's for sure! I'm also taking night classes at the community college here, where I'm studying English Literature, Comparative Religion and Calculus. That's right, I'm doing Calculus! I can be a smart girl if I want to be. ;)

I suppose it might be worth mentioning that I've sort of lost touch with Langly and the rest of the Gunmen since I last wrote. I didn't realize what a burden I was to them. I wonder if they'll ever know how sorry I am for all that stupid silliness I created in their lives... especially my former boyfriend. They're all destined for greatness, and I would hate to think that I was holding them back from that for whatever reason.

That isn't to say, however, that I don't still think about him/them from time-to-time, of course. But I'm sure it's really better that we've moved on from each other. Especially considering that I'm sort of... seeing someone. That is, my boss, John, well... Do the math, I guess. We've only been together a couple of months, but I guess things are going pretty well.

Kevin is also well. We went through sort of a rough patch together for a while, where he didn't want to talk to me, etc. We're quite close again now though. I think that was really just him in his "rebellious" phase, which he has (thank god) grown out of a bit. He still has his strong-willed attitude, something he didn't have as a child, so I think that's healthy. But one thing he's always had was a strong sense of intuition, and he's always been kind of a smarty-pants (that one's for sure). Needless to say, he's now putting all of that to good use as a trainee Police Cadet here in Sioux City. Who would have predicted that one?

He's now living with his girlfriend on the other side of town. Things are looking pretty serious between them. ;) Ahh, young love...

As for my own past feelings and experiences... Well, I've decided to put all that stuff behind me. Maybe mom was right about just letting the past go. There's no point in being such a sad case all the time if you can function just fine looking forward instead of back.

So the kung-fu thing I mentioned in my last entry? Well, I cheated a little... but whatever. We found him, and that's what's important.

I'll start this entry with the how and the why.

I was at my wit's end. I was ready to hurt someone. That someone was just about to be me, before someone knocked on the door.

But it wasn't Ringo, it was this guy named Kimmy.

Mr. Belmont, well, I managed to overlook his more bizarre and/or offensive behavior... simply because he had the know-how to find my big dummy (even if he was looking for him for his own reasons, not out of the will to help me personally...)

And if you're wondering about those reasons, I didn't catch all of it, but apparently "Lord Manhammer" was in debt just north of $75... because of a small loss in a game of D&D. >.>

Anyway, so... somehow... Kimmy found out where Langly was. We traced him back to this shitty little hotel room in a suburb of DC called Reston, where he'd been apparently angsting in his bathrobe and pajamas the entire time.

He was shit surprised to see us, as well he should have been. But honestly, I think a part of him was hoping I'd find him... contrary to what he was saying. He was definitely depressed.

But I was pissed, in case you couldn't tell.

Kimmy had been trying to get the money he wanted, and was getting kinda worked up in the process... But he was nothing compared to what I unleashed once my brain fully comprehended just how angry I really was.

I definitely scared both of them shitless.

Not that I cared... I was so mad at him. I don't even remember half of what I said. I felt like a timebomb finally going off.

And somewhere down the line - I'm not sure where - I started crying... and apologizing. And I guess Kimmy felt awkward, because he left (and, concequentially, Langly still hasn't paid off his debt).

But we just kinda stood there and hugged for a while. And then I took him home.

The carride home we were completely silent... and now he's in the other room talking to Byers and Frohike.

So I guess things haven't been completely resolved just yet.



But I hope he comes out soon.

So, these last few days have been really stressful. I've been looking for him, along with Byers, Frohike, and Jimmy. No luck, though I was a little relieved that he posted (he's alive!)

But I've mostly been angsting about it up until now. I feel/felt so terrible, and I haven't dealt with it very well I'm afraid... (we won't get into that, but I have lost 5 pounds, so do the math).

Um, but I'm actually kinda pissed off now. He better be done sulking. I want him back, and he can suck it up. Yeah, I did something stupid, and maybe I deserve this a little, but who the hell is he to run off and make me freak out?

Yeah, if you're reading this you big dummy, I'm not buying your "I need more time to be alone blah blah blah" shit. I'm gonna find you, and you're not gonna know what hit you when I do.

You're not the only one with kung-fu.

I screwed up. :(

So... the other night, I'd been up late going through some old issues of the one and only TLG, just, you know, reading their older stuff and drinking in the wisdom of it all. I guess I got a little carried away though, because I didn't get to bed until some ungodly hour in the morning... and...

Well, he woke me up at 10:something. I think. It's still a little bit foggy. And by 'him,' yes, I mean my sweet Langly... He woke me up by kissing my cheek, which normally would have been the sweetest thing I'd ever felt, but at that moment I was dreaming about someone I hate, so I was like, "mmmph, fuck you," or something like that. Not a great start, but he apparently had the will to continue what he was doing, so thank goodness I didn't scare him off completely.

So he tried to get me up one more time, this time by shaking me a little bit and saying my name. I sat up, but my head was still foggy, and proof once more that Ruby-on-4-hours-of-sleep does NOT function well. Anyway, by now I was halfway aware that I was talking to him, so I was like, "oh, hey sweetie" in kind of a drunk-ish voice. (Seriously, I may as well have been drunk, because, save getting sick everywhere, that's what it was like.)

Anyway, um. Thinking back? I think HE PROPOSED TO ME. AHHHH.

But I don't remember entirely. But I'm 99% sure that's what happened, because I did something really, really stupid, and now Langly is MISSING. MISSING!

I have to find him, too, because if what I believe happened did indeed happen, then we need to fix this now! I'm freaking out as I type this, and my hands are shaking, and it's all because if we broke up again... and over a misunderstanding...

The point is... I love him. I honestly, truly love him. He means everything to me. And... it's a big deal for me, because I don't think I could handle rejectment twice. (Long story short, I really liked this other guy a few years ago, but when I told him be laughed and called me a hooker. FUN. :D)

I don't know many things for certain, but I do know that I want to be with him forever. And I can't picture myself with anyone else.


So... Langly... if you're out there somewhere reading this... Please come back. I'm sorry for everything...

Friends-only except lord_manhammer

I swear to god, I've built up such a tolerance to my depression pills, that they just make me worse now. *falls over*

I don't want to complain, but I'm just so BORED here. I guess that's why I locked this from Ringo. I don't want him to worry about me. He just always seems so happy to be working on his newspaper that I get sort of caught up in making sure that he stays happy... and I stop thinking about myself.

My job...which I don't even need...is the most boring thing that you could ever imagine. It's like, I go there with the intention of having something to do, and then it's like, "Uhh, no Ruby... you can't have fun because you're a loser and you suck at life."

Uh-huh.

In any case, I've been loosing a lot of weight lately. And I had an eating disorder when I was a teenager, so it feels really.... not cool to be doing this again, even if it isn't intentional like it once was.

Ahhhh whatever.

Maybe this'll just go away. Sometimes this sort of thing happens to me and it resolves itself.

Wow, this month has been weird as hell. But for the most part, it's been nice. Langly and I... well, I only call him that because if I call him Richard or Ringo he hits the roof (*giggle*)... we're doing really well together. And I mean that. ;)

But this thing with Emily is weird. That... if I may cuss... is some fucked up radiation. But regardless, she seems to be okay, so everyone's thankful for that. And Em, I know I've told you this a million times already, but you're a really gorgeous 25 year old. A lot prettier than I was at 25, that's for certain. And when you're feeling down, you can still come to me, like always. :)

I've been really enjoying my time here with Richard Langly. We had a small fight recently, over how much time he spends working on building video games instead of doing more productive things. He got mad at me for that, and he called me 'mom'. MOM. Well damn, way to make me cringe, Mr. Videogames-only. :P But we worked it out, obviously. He got me addicted to his stupid new game, so I HAVE to let him work on it.

I guess it's official... as the girlfriend of a gamer, I'm morphing into one myself. I used to only like tetris and stuff, but I've been playing Doom lately, which is so out of character for me, that it's kind of scary at times. o_o;;;;

Oh, something else: Byers has seemed really stressed out lately, and I don't know what to make of it. He has Susanne, but he still seems so tense... I don't get it...

So this is what it's like to be serious about someone.

It's all just been cheap thrills up til now. I really regret it all... all my ex boyfriends (who were hardly boyfriends at all...) were fun for a while... I liked the idea of just fucking around with guys (uhh... quite literally... I think I was like 16 or so when I lost my virginity =X ) and being... the center of attention, in a way.

That's probably more than any of you would like to know, but too bad. >)

In any case, I feel really bad about that stuff. It wasn't cool in any way to just have boy toys to hang out with.... especially since it was just a way to stop thinking about.... other things.

Kevin knew about all of that. And he tried to help me for a while, but then he got sick of trying. I can't say I really blame him for being angry, though.

But the stuff I tried to forget about is responsible for me finding Langly. I mean, isn't it? There are so many things that they've done... and our government, apparently, that I disagree with. But if I hadn't been infected with that crap I never would have...

Uh, I lost that thought. Whoops. But you get the idea. I hope.


But do you guys want to know something crazy? Last night, *he* kissed *me*. Up until now, it's always been the other way around. Funny how it was such a little thing, and yet I'm thinking about it. :)

:Blocked to Lor... aww, what the hell, he can read this if he wants to.

So. I wasn't sure how to approach him after all this time. There are a lot of awkward issues between us, I suppose. I've been kind of a bitch to him... but that's cuz he *points* was being a bitch first, damnit. ;)

I think I was possibly a little drunk when I busted in on him randomly like that. Just a lil' though. ^^

Needless to say, drunk or not... I'm glad we're... something, now. Again. :)


And poor Emily. I haven't actually seen her yet because I hear she caught pinkeye, which has gotta be a drag. Once she's clean, though, we're totally spending quality girl time together.

(Blocked to lord_manhammer)

So, Emily apparently got taken away by that FBI A.D.; I hear she's back with the Gunmen now.

Well on the one hand, that's good because I can stalk Langly go about my business without having to think about where she is and all, but I do kinda miss her. She's really cool. ^^

In any case, I'm still here in DC. I'm trying to decide how/if I want to approach... Langly, but so far no luck. ^^;; Great...

(Private entry)

I don't know why I did what I did. But I did it anyway.

I was missing him. Langly (why do I call him that, anyway? I guess it's because he hates to be called by his first name), that is. So I drove to DC to look for him. Almost to DC, that is. I had to stop for gas somewhere in West Virgina... and that's where I met Emily.

I thought I recognized her when I drove in. Then it occured to me that this was the girl from Mulder and Scully's wedding.

So I went over to her and, after asking her if she really was who I thought she was (which she was), I asked her what she was doing all the way out here without anyone else. She made me promise not to tell anyone her story, and I did. (Which may not have been the brightest move, considering how much the Gunmen are going to kick my ass when they find out.)

She ran away... because of issues... poor girl. This isn't just some teen drama, either... this is real stuff.

Anyway, I took her to a hotel in town, and that's where we are now. She's asleep on the other bed.

We talked a lot up until about an hour ago... and... wow... She has problems.

I don't know what to do now, or where we'll go from here. I guess my plan to find Langly kinda failed... for now, anyway... but I'm sort of glad I found Emily, or God knows what could have happened to her.

I'm going to sleep now.

(private entry)

I'm going after him.

*snort*


Okay... so today some jackass at work was all like, 'hey bitch, you sold me a shitty printer!!'. And of course I had to be like, 'sir, would you please calm down?...' Of course, the idiot was fucking PSYCHO, so he wouldn't. My manager came out finally and tried to help out, and ugh...

Turns out he didn't plug the damn thing in right.

Oh COME ON!!!!!

Other than that, nothing. Oh wait, I actually did talk to Kevin. (For like five seconds.) He was in a really bad mood. I laughed. He cussed. I laughed more. He almost hit me or something. Poor kid. I swear he gets PMS. (Guys totally do PMS, I don't care what anyone says!)

Okay I'm going now.

(Private Entry)

I think I miss him. A lot.

He probably hates me.

It's so boring around here.

I got back to work. Retarded job at Staples. Stupid people being... generally stupid. I should go to school so I can get a real job. But meh.

Haven't seen Kevin in a while. I guess he's living with friends or whatever now... I also guess he's mad at me. That's not a first, of course. And I can understand why he would be. I'm an easy person to be mad at. ^^;;

I was thinking about getting on here all day to rant about certain things...and people... but I just realized how completely drained I am. -_-;; I don't know why.

It's hard to be angry when you're tired.

And I'm sick of being angry, anyway.

(Private entry)

It's kind of interesting how sometimes you don't know quite how you're feeling until you talk to someone. You could feel blah or happy, but then when you have a conversation, you realize that you're really pretty sad or angry.

I hate myself for what I am. I hate the way I never really grew up. I hate my hair and my face (which is pretty slutty, I guess) and I hate the clothes I wear and the car I drive and the life I live. I hate it all so much. I'm sick of myself. I hate how I only take life seriously when I fall into those shitty bouts with depression, and even then my judgement is seriously clouded.

But that's because I'm... eh, I'm a dumb bitch, I guess. That seems to be the best way to describe myself.

I tried to count all the guys I've been with last night. And I got frustrated because I couldn't. There have been so many! And as I said before, I never grew up. I never got over this stupid slutty me. I'm fucking older than 30 now, but I still feel like I'm 15. And I act like it too.

I guess I know what this is about. Yeah, him. I piss myself off because I still think about him. And I really, really loathe myself for crying. This wasn't supposed to hurt. I was supposed to just get over this. But I didn't. I haven't and I can't and I can only hope that I will some day.

He kinda... he kinda killed something in me. I used to have so much self-esteem, but now it's just like... gone. I got ditched by Langly because I creeped him out. That felt like shit. But I should have been able to handle it. I should have.

And I didn't.

I hate him for making me feel this way.



My creepy comment that got me thinking again.

(Private entry)

So why do I still wanna kiss that son of a bitch, huh?

I'm confusing myself and not liking it.



I think I miss him.

And I think I don't like that, either.

(friends only except lord_manhammer)

Yeah, I came, and, yeah, I was expecting to see him. But I wasn't. But he was there and...

It's just so weird, usually I can brush this kind of thing off. I've had a lot of boyfriends before (and a lot of break ups) but it was never anything big, it was just like, eh, okay, you're gone... so what's new? But this. This is... weird, as said before. I just can't let it go...

I'm so mad at him. I mean, I'm *so* mad. I hate him. I wish he would just... die! But I don't... no, I don't wish that at all.

But I do!

No I don't.

I really don't.

Really.

I don't remember how I got where I was, or what I had been doing, or why. But I remember bits of it like it was a dream. Men, one I regognized from somewhere, and another who's face I couldn't see.

I think I was in a car. Doing soemthing. I don't know what. But I passed out, and then I found myself outside. I don't know how long I was lying there on the ground in an alley or something... but later some other men came by. One of them asked the other man if I was dead. The other man grabbed me by my hair and yanked me upward. "She's not dead... but-" and then I heard two gunshots, and they both fell. I don't remember anything after that.


I awoke here at this hospital... I don't know how much later. I got ahold of a computer, thankfully.

I wonder where The Lone Gunman and my brother are? This is scary...

It's happened to me three nights in a row now.

I'll be doing something ordinary. Typing on the computer. Listening to my headphones. Playing that stupid game I downloaded to my cell phone. Then I'll see something outside, out of the corner of my eye. I'll try to get up and look out the window, but I can't move. I try to scream, but I can't breathe. A painful rememberance of a past experience. I happen to look down. I see my brother, asleep. We're at the lake. I'm 18 again. And I'm fucking scared, too. Then I brace myself for what's to come. The next thing I know, I'm lying down, and I feel this intense pain, all over my body.

Suddenly I can turn my head, and I do, and I see someone else is there as well. Someone who they are doing tests on, like me. I strain my eyes in the light to see who it is, but then just before I can recognise a face, I feel myself wake up. One night I was digging my nails so hard into my arm that there was blood running down my wrist and onto my sheets.

But it was just a dream.

I hope so, anyway...

It was too damn realistic.

Last night I woke up and I just screamed. Langly came in to see what was wrong, and ended up sleeping there with me. I was so scared I just started bawling in his arms.


So of course the guys have been taking care of me even more than when we all thought I just had your average cold. I don't know if they still think that or not, but they've been taking extra-good care of me.

Something is wrong here, really wrong, and I'm scared that something bad is going to happen more than ever.